Not a Lesbian Anymore

I came out in 1984ish at 25, a little later than some, sooner than many. I’ve lived as a lesbian since then, an identity that I valued, and a community I’ve enjoyed.

Being a lesbian has been a safe haven for me – I’ve been able to be gender non-conforming in ways that are not only tolerated, but celebrated. I’ve watched the community grow and change, and in many ways, assimilate into society, while still maintaining some sense of identity as a community.

But as I transition to male, I kick myself out of that community, which seems both appropriate and unfortunate. Yes, it means I become part of the trans community, part of the larger LGBTQQIAA umbrella. And frankly, the “T” has been in a somewhat uneasy alliance withe the “L” and “G” (as has the “B” and the “I”, and both “A”s – frankly all of the letters can be a little uneasy together.)

I’ll miss being a lesbian, frankly, just as there are a few ways that I’ll miss being a woman. I want to find a way to embrace what’s been great for me from that experience as I move into this new phase of my life.

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Big Decisions

This has been a very interesting step-by-step process, in a way, but it all sort of came to a head a few days ago, and I think I’m finally caught up with myself.

That is, I’ve made the decision to partake of most of the menu I mentioned. I had a date for top surgery for a few weeks now (Feb 6th.) And now, after a lot of consideration and spiritual exploration, I’ve decided to do testosterone,  socially transition, and change my legal name and gender markers.

Some people I know aren’t surprised, but somehow, it surprises me. I’m not quite yet used to it.

But it feels totally right – and also fucking scary. The fear isn’t a surprise, really – but it’s something I know I need to companion as I move through this process.

It’s funny – I had another one of those experiences where some guy called me “sir” and then saw me more fully and felt bad – and I almost said “no, you’re right,” but I said what I usually say, which is, “no worries.”

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What I Have to Say Today

I’ve been triggered, greatly, by the events of the last two days. Not because I didn’t expect it. Not because #ThisIsNotUs. But because I knew it was going to happen, but I didn’t really want to believe that it would. I’m not including any pictures on purpose – I’ve been way too triggered by them, and I don’t want to make it worse for anyone else.

I am really a Gen Xer, even though supposedly demographically, being born late in 1959, I’m a boomer. But I say that because the country I grew up in was different than the one boomers grew up in. I was barely 4 when the Birmingham church was bombed. I was still very young when the schools in the south were desegregated. Because of the class I grew up in, I grew up in a world of opportunity, even as I could see that it wasn’t one that all black people shared.

I’ve been a student of history for the past 20 years or so – intrigued by the past, and the ways the events of the past not only have echoes now, but actually create what we are looking at right now.

I’m not sure the Civil War ever really ended. I think perhaps we’ve been fighting a cold civil war since 1865. There have been great strides since then, as the quality of my black, queer, genderqueer life attests to. That said, there is a relatively small but significant number of people in this country that would happily return us to a time when blacks (and all POC) are subservient, women are in the kitchen, and queer people are shot on sight. And there is a much, much larger number of people who might not say they want this, but frankly wouldn’t mind so much. Those are the people who voted for Trump.

There’s been all sorts of strum and drang from the GOP about what happened in Charlottesville. But what you’re not hearing is them repudiating 40 years of stoking the flames. My bet is, that if Nixon’s “Southern Strategy” was never started, first, the GOP would no longer exist, and second, we wouldn’t be dealing with a strong white supremacist movement. Stoking the flames of white resentment was the survival strategy of the GOP, once the Democratic party became progressive around race.  This is the continued survival strategy of the GOP. They can’t win without racist gerrymandering, racist voter suppression, and turning out their base with either “dog whistles” or outright racist rhetoric. They can’t repudiate their survival strategy and keep going as a party, and they fucking know it.

And on the progressive stance on the 2016 elections, I’m sorry, but right now I have to say that some of us told you so: Clinton and Trump were not just as bad. Trump is a white supremacist, ran with clearly white supremacist rhetoric, has white supremacists on his staff, and covers for white supremacists. This is only the beginning. With a DOJ run by a neo-confederate, which will happily stand by idly while other neo-confederates kill people (and make themselves busy investigating “discrimination” against whites), local police, many of whom have plenty of these people in their ranks, “leave the area” when neo-confederates stage rallies, and the fact that these people are the most well-armed private citizens in the United States, this is only going to get worse. I just hope we can make it through the next 41 months.

 

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The Menu

Not so long ago, if you considered yourself trans, there was a transition process you were basically had to go through: first therapy, then hormones, then surgery, and somewhere in there  legal process of changing names, gender, etc.

Now, it’s more like a menu. You can pick and choose what you might want to do. Some do surgery only, some do just hormones, some do the entire package.

So far, I’ve only chosen one item on the menu: top surgery. I don’t know whether I’ll choose other items on the menu – I don’t know whether I’ll take testosterone yet. I don’t know whether I want to change my legal name and/or gender. I’m just not sure.  I’m taking it one step at a time – letting it all sink in, because each menu item has it’s own set of ramifications for my life.

And that feels OK, mostly, but here’s what Maxwell has to say:

I’m impatient. I’ve been in the background for years, and I want to be front and center. I want to learn what kind of man I might become. I want to experience the world from male eyes.

Sometimes, it feels like I have a bit of a split personality.  And that’s OK – I’m learning to live with that.

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