This has been a very interesting step-by-step process, in a way, but it all sort of came to a head a few days ago, and I think I'm finally caught up with myself.
That is, I've made the decision to partake of most of the menu I mentioned. I had a date for top surgery for a few weeks now (Feb 6th.) And now, after a lot of consideration and spiritual exploration, I've decided to do testosterone, socially transition, and change my legal name and gender markers.
Some people I know aren't surprised, but somehow, it surprises me. I'm not quite yet used to it.
But it feels totally right - and also fucking scary. The fear isn't a surprise, really - but it's something I know I need to companion as I move through this process.
It's funny - I had another one of those experiences where some guy called me "sir" and then saw me more fully and felt bad - and I almost said "no, you're right," but I said what I usually say, which is, "no worries."